More information about family dynamics and patterns
This information is only a summary of hidden family dynamics and patterns. It gives you an idea how family dynamics can affect your daily life.
In the fifties after the Second World War a lot of people emigrated from Europe to the four corners of the world including Canada and the United States. Most emigrants did well for themselves in new countries but there were also emigrants who were not that fortunate and/or became very homesick missing their family and loved ones. Due to lack of money and/or pride they could not return to their own countries.
The only way to communicate with their relatives back home which they could afford was to write letters which in those days took much longer than now. The person felt ‘out of reach’, isolated in a strange country. It took these immigrants a long time to adjust, if at all. ‘Feeling cut off’ would have had its effect on this person and the family he (later) had. An effect in the form of either talking too much about the country of origin or not talking about it at all, nearly being in denial.
For example you can still recognize most Dutch immigrants abroad by ornamental clogs hanging outside near the front porch, miniature windmills and tulips in their garden. It is as if they have become stuck in that particular moment in time, in how their culture was when they left. This kind of phenomena can also be seen with immigrants from Islamic countries while the country of origin modernizes but the emigrants are hanging on to the old traditional values. For instance women covering up (nearly) completely while in their home countries most women have stopped covering up.
The feelings of the parents of an immigrant family towards the country of origin can still be very strong and leave their mark on the children in such families. The children are ‘living in two cultures’ and this can be very confusing to them, even create a sense of not knowing where they belong. They don’t feel at home or in their place in the country where they live and usually are born but they also don’t feel a connection with the parent(s) country of origin.
The opposite of people not wanting to know anymore about their country of origin is also the case. It is also very important that people who move(d) to another country honour the country they have left. After all they owe a lot to this country such as ancestors, their place of birth, their schooling, and possibly children and a partner. When they are able to honour their own country fully, the new country will open up for them. In other words they have to accept, appreciate what it has brought them and even honour the country they are leaving in order to be able to move on, a bit like with relationships…
Emigrating is one of the most life changing events in a person’s life. It also has consequences for the family they leave behind. The person leaving might leave unfinished business or things dangling within the family. The family might accuse him of leaving them in more than one way. If from that moment on the emigrant’s existence is ignored and not talked about anymore they leave ‘a hole’ in their family system in a way, a hole that another family member might want to fill subconsciously, even in future generations to come.
The person who fills the hole in the system might ‘feel out of place’, ‘want to leave the country’ but doesn’t know why, or ‘does not feel connected with his own family’, ‘feel estranged’, he moves around a lot, changes jobs often, etc. You might see a strong connection with the emigrated and maybe excluded family member.
Having been an emigration coach for many years I found that another reason for emigrating to another country often can be that the person misses something, a basic need is not fulfilled. Subconsciously they look elsewhere to satisfy this need, sometimes even in another state or country. If the potential emigrant is not seen or heard by their family and even excluded in some way, when he visits another country where the people are friendly and make him feel welcome this can be a decisive factor (subconsciously) for him to move to this particular country. That country makes him feel ‘at home’.
Be aware that this can be you wanting to move to another state or country. Getting insight into your (hidden) motivations can give you the freedom of choice in emigrating issues. If you leave your country because you are not satisfied within yourself or your family, you can just imagine that nothing will have changed once you are immigrated into another country. It is better to work on the problem if possible then taking the problem with you in a way. My advice is to emigrate when you are happy with yourself, in balance with your family and friends and don’t leave any things dangling and/or unsaid. First of all solve your problems and tie up loose ends with the people you leave behind.
But if you already are immigrated, it's never too late to do some work on your (hidden) immigration issues. It will help the next generations within your family.
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