More information about family dynamics and patterns
This information is only a summary of hidden family dynamics and patterns. It gives you an idea how family dynamics can affect your daily life.
One of the most common family secrets is sexual abuse within the family, sexual abuse between a (grand) parent and one or more children but also between the children themselves. The abused child takes in a special position within the family, a position not consciously chosen and forced in a way upon the child. If the perpetrator said something along the lines of “It is our secret”, “You’re (grand) daddy’s special child”, “Nobody will believe you”, then the child will withdraw from the family. It will certainly have an negative effect on the child. A young child depends on his family and his loyalty towards both parents is very strong. He is afraid to tell and be excluded from the family.
Be aware that when a family system is ‘out of balance’ a member often is ‘sacrificed’ to repair the system and let it regain its balance. The system can be very cruel and without any scruples. Often the member who is the most susceptible to what is needed is sacrifices. For example, if a mother of a family is disabled, out of the picture or even dead a daughter will sometimes (subconsciously) replace the mother in all her roles. In systemic work this is called an act of love, the daughter is taken ‘into service’ in the family system. She is no longer the daughter anymore but has become in a way the partner of the father. The reverse is more evident when a father is no longer around and the eldest son takes on the role of the ‘man of the house’, usually only platonic.
Be aware that if one or both parents are brought to justice, the victim can be traumatized again or any further. If what happened was an (subconsciously) act of love, the act of an innocent child (the victim) on soul level probably can’t see what (s)he did wrong. This is the way family systems works, by entanglements and loyalty.
If the perpetrator is able to takes full responsibility for his actions and tells the victim from the bottom of his heart that what he did was wrong and inappropriate and it wasn’t her fault, the love between them can start to flow again. In a certain way it brings the family system back in balance. It will give the victim peace of mind and set him/her free. Remember ‘hate connects and love liberates’.
Rape (within the family):
With this kind of rape the perpetrator doesn’t necessarily has to be a family member but he can also be a friend of the family or even an acquaintance. No matter how old the child is it instinctively knows it is wrong what has happened but isn’t exactly sure why. Often the blame is put on the child by the perpetrator and most of the time the child beliefs this lie. Not only is it hard for the child to tell anyone yet alone a(nother) family member but the child is also afraid the other person won’t believe him or thinks as well it is his fault. If what has happened is told the family might fall apart and to prevent that from happening the child has to keep it a secret and has to carry around this burden with him. This is always very hard for the child but especially when the rapist is someone who he has to see socially regularly. It is hard not only out of fear for re-occurrence but also because it is a constant reminder.